It’s About Damn Time for Some Global Warming

May 8th, 2009 by Roy Vanderbilt

Roy Vanderbilt

I’ve heard a lot about global warming from the various news outlets, and the coverage is almost always negative. Are you people crazy? We’ve just been through a winter so long I can barely feel my balls. Over the past three months, I’ve spent a solid 40 hours shoveling snow out of my gravel driveway and chipping ice off my patio. I spent a small fortune on heating and firewood, and you’re going to tell me that a little extra heat is a bad thing? The Sun’s been melting polar ice caps? Hey Sun, how about melting some of the icicles off my eaves while you’re at it?

Folks, it’s about damn time for some global warming.

I don’t know about any of you, but I can’t take any more of this cold. More heat is what the world needs. Anyone who opposes global warming clearly doesn’t do business with Honeycutt Propane on Lemon Street, because those sharks squeezed me for a good $1800 this winter just to keep my pipes thawed. If you’re telling me that leaving my diesel motorhome running in the driveway overnight and putting high-wattage incandescent light bulbs in every socket in my house is going to help bring springtime around a little sooner, then pass me my reading glasses and a hundred-fifty-watter, because it’s time to do some research!

Turns out the more CO2 I help pump into the sky, the sooner I’ll get some much-needed relief from this bitter winter.

Now, I know I’m just one insignificant foot soldier in this large-scale war against the constant accumulation of snow in my driveway that I have to spend 90 minutes shoveling practically every God-damned day, but as long as this battle rages, you can bet I’ll be jackrabbiting my Suburban, running my hot tub 24/7 with the cover off, and buying appliances that lack the EPA Energy Star logo. Hell, I might even start buying imported tools, just so I know I’m helping support the barges that idle in the harbor. On top of that, I only buy Kroger brand baked beans, because they help me contribute more methane gas to the atmosphere.

It’s small, I know, but I’m just one man. If we all work together, we can end this tragic winter cycle that terrorizes us anually, forcing us to bundle up shivering in our poorly-insultated homes. Even if you just occassionally leave your lawnmower running while you go bowling, drive to a liquor store that’s three blocks away, or burn a year’s worth of recyclables in your back yard, contribute! Every bit counts.

Friends, enough is enough! Let’s end this “winter” plague once and for all. It’s about damn time for some global warming!

Posted in Funny Opinion