The Exploits of Comedian Jeff Foster

As Your Landlord, It’s My Lawful Right to Be an Asshole

August 12th, 2009 by Donald Westmeyer

Hi there, uh, Jim is it? Hey listen, I got your e-mail about having financial problems and hoping for a break on the late fees. Believe me, I completely understand. That’s why I’m going to be a complete tool and answer you with some condescending bullshit that subtly accuses you of being a failure and helps me sleep the night after I deny your completely reasonable request to keep my massive and fragile ego intact.

After all, as your landlord, it’s my lawful right to be an asshole.

If you’re having trouble with your rent, please allow me to offer some completely obvious and belittling money-saving tips. First of all, take a look at your monthly budget and eliminate the non-essentials. I couldn’t help but notice, as I was spying on tenants from across the street, that you have done a fair deal of your grocery shopping at health food markets. As I assume you don’t know (due to my childish inability to understand anything from others’ point-of-view), traditional supermarkets have lower prices, and healthy food is for homos. By taking my unsolicited advice on this personal matter, you could save valuable funds that could then be diverted to my bank account.

Secondly, I suggest that you terminate your entertainment budget, which I am certain consumes most of the funds you should be using to line my pockets. You see, as someone who is not a mature adult myself, I assume you are also immature enough to prioritize video games and meals at Chili’s over important expenses like rent. Thus, I would strongly advise you to stop make frivolous purchases, like the beer tap I just installed next to my air hockey table. You know, the table I chose over fixing the mold problem in Unit 3.

Oh, and thanks for letting me know that state law requires 24-hour written notice before a landlord can enter a residence without permission. I know this is true, so I’m terribly frightened that you will seek completely justified, slam-dunk legal action against me for showing your home to potential tenants while you had private, personal items and documents scattered around. No problem, though. I’ll just use my power and influence in a completely transparent attempt to intimidate you. Instead of ending the whole scenario quickly by apologizing and not invading your privacy anymore, I’ll just arrogantly smirk as I tell you that you won’t have a leg to stand on in court. I will shift my gaze around nervously as I do this.

I also received your complaint about the broken water heater. While a decent landlord would probably address the problem immediately, I’m just not your everyday decent landlord. Instead, I’ll question your neural function by quizzing you with pointed questions to ascertain a confession that the water is not actually cold. If I’m lucky enough to get out of the conversation without making a commitment (which is quite likely, considering that most people would rather take cold showers than speak with me for one more second), I’ll consider it a closed issue in my mind until you annoy me about it again. After this process has been completed a few times, I’ll finally decide that it is my own best interest to fix the appliance, lest I keep getting your annoying calls. Even though I will have only done the repairs minimally and for selfish reasons, I’ll secretly take pride in my “good deed” and my drastically underdeveloped conscience will be cleared.

No, you can’t have a break on the late fees. I’m sorry, but it’s not up to me. The Lord Himself mandates that I enforce them.

Posted in Funny Opinion

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