Impossible-to-Drink-from Container Somehow Nation’s Best-Selling Water Bottle

April 20th, 2009 by Jeff Foster

The Nalgene bottle's asinine design somehow doesn't deter sales.

ROCHESTER, NY – Nalge Nunc International Corporation’s Nalgene water bottle, a cylindrical container with an awkwardly rotund body, is the nation’s best-selling water bottle, according to a report released Monday. The horribly designed device, with an opening that wouldn’t comfortably accommodate even the largest human mouth, has somehow topped the US sales charts, outselling its closest competitor by several million units.

“The sales figures are believable under normal circumstances,” said consumer researcher Blair Venema of Aberdine Consumer Research, a Buffalo, New York-based statistical firm. “What is not believable is that we’re seeing these numbers for a water bottle that loses 25% of its 32-ounce capacity every time it’s filled.” Venema told reporters he was referring to the fact that much of the bottle’s contents end up running down the face and neck of the user when they attempt to consume liquid from it.

According to medical experts, the bottle is also dangerous when shared with others. “Each time someone drinks from a Nalgene bottle, their nose and upper lip are completely immersed in it’s contents, contaminating them with whatever bacteria or disease they happen to be carrying,” said Dr. James Reeves, a public health professor at Albany State University. “The bottom line is that there is no safe or pleasant way to drink from a Nalgene bottle.”

Prior market research has indicated that consumers prefer a water bottle that is easy to open and drink from during periods of strenuous activity. However, the Nalgene bottle’s sales figures have skyrocketed despite the fact that it takes 10,548% more effort to open than the next most cumbersome competing bottle. Its inability to be opened by mouth or one hand have had no negative effect on consumer perception, according to the independent study, which surveyed 5,000 likely water bottle owners.

Emboldened by the Nalgene bottle’s wild success, Nalge Nunc plans to release several more terrible products in 2009, including the Hammerhead, a hiking boot with 20-inch protrusions inexplicably mounted to the sole.

Posted in News Satire